Not-so-hapitawt

It’s been a while that I have been down and I noticed that it has not improved over the weeks that have passed. It’s just not easing up. These days I just prefer to be alone although I would always find myself too polite not to turn down anyone who asks for my company. I wonder what’s going on. For someone who hates to run, I found myself seeking mental clarity by running. Then I sprained my ankle and I haven’t tried running again for weeks. My gym schedule has become irregular no thanks to my trainer so there goes my regular dose of endorphins. My prayer time has also gone awry. As much as I don’t want my service to be affected, I have been feeling lethargic…I just am slowly feeling like I want to withdraw and shrink to my corner. I don’t know where all this is coming from or what triggered this. All I know is that I need to talk to someone.

One of those days...

So much to do, so little time and worse, not so much energy to do it! PERFECT COMBO! I find my mind wandering from one thought to the next. I wish I can just take the day off and just do whatever....no deadlines, no boss, no client...NONE! I think I'm really about to fill to the brim. I need to step on the brakes soon but when?

A new year, a new space...

It's my first entry for the year and I don't know where to start. It seems so many things happened since the last time that I don't know how or where to begin...I just transferred office locations. I'm happy that my new workplace is more decent and more conducive to working (-although I think I came to like it enough to always go on OT!). I found my own little private nook. It's still quite messy...just like me its a work-in-progress...but I'm very much at home as it is already =)

One fine Saturday morning...

It was definitely a weekend to look forward to. After more than 3 years, we heard my mom telling me and my dad that she would like to go out of the house. We couldn’t believe our ears! But deep down, like me, my dad was excited. It was definitely an answered prayer at last! So even if I usually sleep in during weekends, I got off to a very early start to go home. I will not miss this moment for anything! And it sure was a welcome sight to see my mom all dressed up and ready for her first day out. We took her to Harbor Square where we had breakfast at Pancake House overlooking the pier.
Too bad she didn’t want to bring her wheelchair. She thought she wouldn’t need it as I soon discovered, her original plan was just to stay inside the car. Of course, my dad and I didn’t agree with her. We were sure she was just nervous given that this was her first time after more than 3 years to be outside the house. Finally, after much encouragement, she walked using her walker and had her first taste of the morning harbor breeze. It was our first time to eat out after a long time. I used to take them on dates before my mom had her laminectomy so I just could not get over what I was witnessing. The first time I saw Harbor Square, I told myself that I will bring them here. And I knew that it will not be long and I will be able to take my mom out again. I continued to believe.
It was definitely a great Saturday morning! :-)

Lamentation

When do you really say it's over? That it's done and so you move on? Once you are able to figure this out, does it automatically make you feel better? Can you then jump up and down and be sunny all over? What happens then if you still feel your insides are in shreds and you still can't find the strength to even look up?

Everytime it rains, I look forward to seeing a rainbow after a downpour. Regardless what my state is at that time, the sight of a rainbow provides me a promise of a good day ahead. We all need a rainbow in our lives. It's something we would want to hold on to or during heavier situations, cling on. We all need to believe in something or we need to see a signal that our prayers were heard and that good news will come our way soon. We just need to hang in there. But what if no matter how hard you look, you can't see any but dark clouds staring back at you? What if no matter how loud you shout there's not even an echo that is heard? What if no one cares to even listen? What if there's no one? Perhaps during these times, how painful it may be...no matter how each muscle aches, you stretch your arms and try to reach as high as you can go in hopes that you will be heard and be lifted up from the pit that you're in. You cry your heart out until no voice comes out and no more tears fall...until you hear that voice that will pacify you and will turn your sobs into a soft whimper. Until you're found, you just have to keep believing that help is on its way...that He is on His way to carry you on His shoulders and you will be happy once again.

Missing the sound of "my box"

I used to have a box...well...it's not really mine but let's just say, for a time, I treated it as my own. It carried me with every beat it makes...it soared and lifted my spirit or it soothed me as it would slow down...the beating becoming more gentle. Singing in praise and worship melts all my concerns away. These months, I have grown to find more meaning in my gift of music because this time it is for Someone special. But last night, I found myself missing something - that familiar sound that usually carries me so high as I sing my heart out. The drumbeat that pacifies me and melts all my worries away. It has been missing for quite some time now and I don't know when I'll be hearing it again. It never really made any difference to me until last night. For some reason, the music just felt a bit hollow. Like it lacked depth and that familiar beating that pounds every measure of each song...which confirms the happiness of every melody. I don't really know if I'll ever hear my box again...maybe soon...maybe never...but whatever happens...I will keep on listening to my box through my memory forever.

Playing scary dress-up

I never had a thing for Halloween. I mean, its not something I look forward to and perhaps its because all I know about it is that it's that time in a year when what you'll see on television are all scary movies...which I'm not a big fan of! This year, I found myself out of character as this time, I had to host the Halloween festivities in the office (- occupational hazard!). Anyway, I never expected that it could be such a big deal but I decided to just look at it in the eyes of a 5-year old just so I'll be able to appreciate the occasion better and savor the experience...and I'm glad I did! =) The office was transformed into each floor's interpretation of the announced theme which was WITCHCRAFT/BLACK MAGIC overnight.
It was actually a treat watching our employees switch on their creativity and do crafts, paint, and do various artwork for the event.

Actually, what caught my attention was seeing the kids all dressed up for trick-or-treating! There were around 140 kids who came to the office, all dressed up and ready to fill their bags with expected goodies from the staff and oh! what a site they all were!



Not to be outdone, our staff also came in character!



I was totally exhausted at the end of the day that I found myself saying that this will be the last Halloween celebration this agency will ever have (-such a halloween scrooge!)! But then again, when I remember the faces of the kids (- how much I would love to pinch their cheeks as they looked so cute in their costumes!), when I think of how our staff enjoyed taking the time-off from their routinary jobs to just be kids again, I realize that I don't have the heart to take this time away from them =) It was truly a fun and eye-opening experience! Until next year! =)