Not-so-hapitawt

It’s been a while that I have been down and I noticed that it has not improved over the weeks that have passed. It’s just not easing up. These days I just prefer to be alone although I would always find myself too polite not to turn down anyone who asks for my company. I wonder what’s going on. For someone who hates to run, I found myself seeking mental clarity by running. Then I sprained my ankle and I haven’t tried running again for weeks. My gym schedule has become irregular no thanks to my trainer so there goes my regular dose of endorphins. My prayer time has also gone awry. As much as I don’t want my service to be affected, I have been feeling lethargic…I just am slowly feeling like I want to withdraw and shrink to my corner. I don’t know where all this is coming from or what triggered this. All I know is that I need to talk to someone.

Lamentation

When do you really say it's over? That it's done and so you move on? Once you are able to figure this out, does it automatically make you feel better? Can you then jump up and down and be sunny all over? What happens then if you still feel your insides are in shreds and you still can't find the strength to even look up?

Everytime it rains, I look forward to seeing a rainbow after a downpour. Regardless what my state is at that time, the sight of a rainbow provides me a promise of a good day ahead. We all need a rainbow in our lives. It's something we would want to hold on to or during heavier situations, cling on. We all need to believe in something or we need to see a signal that our prayers were heard and that good news will come our way soon. We just need to hang in there. But what if no matter how hard you look, you can't see any but dark clouds staring back at you? What if no matter how loud you shout there's not even an echo that is heard? What if no one cares to even listen? What if there's no one? Perhaps during these times, how painful it may be...no matter how each muscle aches, you stretch your arms and try to reach as high as you can go in hopes that you will be heard and be lifted up from the pit that you're in. You cry your heart out until no voice comes out and no more tears fall...until you hear that voice that will pacify you and will turn your sobs into a soft whimper. Until you're found, you just have to keep believing that help is on its way...that He is on His way to carry you on His shoulders and you will be happy once again.

Missing the sound of "my box"

I used to have a box...well...it's not really mine but let's just say, for a time, I treated it as my own. It carried me with every beat it makes...it soared and lifted my spirit or it soothed me as it would slow down...the beating becoming more gentle. Singing in praise and worship melts all my concerns away. These months, I have grown to find more meaning in my gift of music because this time it is for Someone special. But last night, I found myself missing something - that familiar sound that usually carries me so high as I sing my heart out. The drumbeat that pacifies me and melts all my worries away. It has been missing for quite some time now and I don't know when I'll be hearing it again. It never really made any difference to me until last night. For some reason, the music just felt a bit hollow. Like it lacked depth and that familiar beating that pounds every measure of each song...which confirms the happiness of every melody. I don't really know if I'll ever hear my box again...maybe soon...maybe never...but whatever happens...I will keep on listening to my box through my memory forever.