Thanks DAD

I woke up feeling tired and restless. I decided to start the day by having my personal time with my "Big Boss" and as I did, I anticipated what His message for me will be for today. I was led to read Hebrews 11 which was about faith. And if that was not enough, his words over mass today was also about faith - how narrow the road will be for those who will choose to follow and obey Him. How we are called to be firm and steadfast during trying times as He will stay true to His promise of never letting us go. I had so many foolish questions when I woke up as well as unexplained feelings of doubt, anxiety, weariness and agitation. Though a big part of me still celebrate each day that I overcame my daily trials, I can't seem to fully shake-off the fatigue that seems to have been building up for months now. So just like the stubborn child who ran out of ways to solve her seemingly complicated jigsaw puzzle, I ran to my "Dad", my ABBA FATHER. And like the ever doting father, He laughed and embraced me tightly while He made each piece fit. Until now, I am emotionally overwhelmed by today's experience that I need to express myself or else I will burst! From Hebrews 11, today's gospel and even to the song sung at mass earlier, my Dad was talking to me. His message was simple but says everything: BE STILL.

I know this will not be the end of these episodes...I'm stubborn, remember? But it is just so comforting to know that when it does happen, I can always look up and envision that familiar smile...feel that comforting warmth in my heart then I will just know. I know that all my questions are answered...all my concerns are taken cared of.

A haunting memory...

Have you ever made the painful decision of turning your back on someone you love because you know that it's the best you can do for that person? I did, not too long ago. Looking back, I try to recall what made this person special. Well, he was like me in some respects. We tend to wear our hearts on our sleeve. He loves the people around him and cares for them JUST BECAUSE he does. Never mind if he'll get "pogi" points for it but I vividly remember how he extends an extra mile for anyone...regardless. He loves God too...hangs on to Him for dear life and though he's fully aware of his transgressions, goes running back to Him in sincere repentance and serves Him like there's no tomorrow. Yes, that was my special guy...

For a brief period I guess I made his day...(at least) as much as he made mine. It is truly a blessing to be able to share and fully express your love as if there will be no tomorrow that will come. It is a special treat to wake up to a familiar voice that encourages you to embrace a new day. But sometimes, such an experience is not meant to last long...especially when everything was not in accordance to His will for us. So, I had to let go. It was something we knew, will happen but how interesting it is that awareness to what is and what will happen still made it difficult for us to let go and move on. Well, at least for me it was and continues to be so. Imagine how much you try to remain cool and collected when deep down you still hurt. Hurt because as much as you still feel the love, you know that you need to let him be...because everything should not happen at your own terms or by your own choosing. It's His. It's God's.

Realizations of an urban drifter

Yesterday marks a new chapter in my "independent urban-living" life. Ater much procrastination, I finally, packed my bags (-and boxes...and more bags and boxes) of 5 years' worth of living an independent, single life somewhere within the outskirts of Makati's CBD to move with 2 of my closest sisters in SOLV. It was very therapeutic while I was in the process of packing my stuff in boxes. I discovered old pictures, old notes, clothes that I haven't worn in a loooong time (-and I wonder if I'll ever wear them again), old journals recording previous thoughts...old rantings...simple joys...the list goes on and on. While looking at my closet, I thought of the many times I held a garage sale and yet I still have so much stuff that are not anymore of good use to me. Then this realization hits me: I AM ALMOST OUT OF CLOTHES AND SHOES TO WEAR! Seriously, as much as I made so many senseless shopping in my life, I have ended up to have almost an empty closet. I realized that all this time, I made a lot of thoughtless shopping decisions. I was either too safe which made my wardrobe (-and perhaps myself) boring or Which leads me to reflect on how I have been before going through my "SOL journey". I seemed like I was always adrift at sea - anything goes, careless, it was as if I was rebelling from myself for whatever reason. I basked in short-lived pleasures only to wake up and realize that all this time I have been leading an almost empty life. As soon as I almost want to quit and be stuck in one dark corner ranting a series of "if only's" I remind myself that what's good about this life is that you get to try again. You're always given the chance to get up and do things correctly this time. Of course you can't undo what has been done but what's more important is picking up the lesson that sad experience has given you and using that lesson to live a better life for yourself! As much as it is a commonly used expression, I don't believe that life can be empty. It will always be full - either you fill it up with successes, or fill it up with disappointments; either its filled with happiness or its wreaking of sorrow - either way, your life is full. YOU filled it up the way you wanted it to be filled. So at the end of the day, its really our choice. In the same manner as how do we want to fill our closet? Do we see a heap of black and gray's? - an explosion of bright colors? - or subdued earthy tones that may go well anytime and anywhere? Really, it's up to you. ;-)