One fine Saturday morning...

It was definitely a weekend to look forward to. After more than 3 years, we heard my mom telling me and my dad that she would like to go out of the house. We couldn’t believe our ears! But deep down, like me, my dad was excited. It was definitely an answered prayer at last! So even if I usually sleep in during weekends, I got off to a very early start to go home. I will not miss this moment for anything! And it sure was a welcome sight to see my mom all dressed up and ready for her first day out. We took her to Harbor Square where we had breakfast at Pancake House overlooking the pier.
Too bad she didn’t want to bring her wheelchair. She thought she wouldn’t need it as I soon discovered, her original plan was just to stay inside the car. Of course, my dad and I didn’t agree with her. We were sure she was just nervous given that this was her first time after more than 3 years to be outside the house. Finally, after much encouragement, she walked using her walker and had her first taste of the morning harbor breeze. It was our first time to eat out after a long time. I used to take them on dates before my mom had her laminectomy so I just could not get over what I was witnessing. The first time I saw Harbor Square, I told myself that I will bring them here. And I knew that it will not be long and I will be able to take my mom out again. I continued to believe.
It was definitely a great Saturday morning! :-)

Lamentation

When do you really say it's over? That it's done and so you move on? Once you are able to figure this out, does it automatically make you feel better? Can you then jump up and down and be sunny all over? What happens then if you still feel your insides are in shreds and you still can't find the strength to even look up?

Everytime it rains, I look forward to seeing a rainbow after a downpour. Regardless what my state is at that time, the sight of a rainbow provides me a promise of a good day ahead. We all need a rainbow in our lives. It's something we would want to hold on to or during heavier situations, cling on. We all need to believe in something or we need to see a signal that our prayers were heard and that good news will come our way soon. We just need to hang in there. But what if no matter how hard you look, you can't see any but dark clouds staring back at you? What if no matter how loud you shout there's not even an echo that is heard? What if no one cares to even listen? What if there's no one? Perhaps during these times, how painful it may be...no matter how each muscle aches, you stretch your arms and try to reach as high as you can go in hopes that you will be heard and be lifted up from the pit that you're in. You cry your heart out until no voice comes out and no more tears fall...until you hear that voice that will pacify you and will turn your sobs into a soft whimper. Until you're found, you just have to keep believing that help is on its way...that He is on His way to carry you on His shoulders and you will be happy once again.

Missing the sound of "my box"

I used to have a box...well...it's not really mine but let's just say, for a time, I treated it as my own. It carried me with every beat it makes...it soared and lifted my spirit or it soothed me as it would slow down...the beating becoming more gentle. Singing in praise and worship melts all my concerns away. These months, I have grown to find more meaning in my gift of music because this time it is for Someone special. But last night, I found myself missing something - that familiar sound that usually carries me so high as I sing my heart out. The drumbeat that pacifies me and melts all my worries away. It has been missing for quite some time now and I don't know when I'll be hearing it again. It never really made any difference to me until last night. For some reason, the music just felt a bit hollow. Like it lacked depth and that familiar beating that pounds every measure of each song...which confirms the happiness of every melody. I don't really know if I'll ever hear my box again...maybe soon...maybe never...but whatever happens...I will keep on listening to my box through my memory forever.

Playing scary dress-up

I never had a thing for Halloween. I mean, its not something I look forward to and perhaps its because all I know about it is that it's that time in a year when what you'll see on television are all scary movies...which I'm not a big fan of! This year, I found myself out of character as this time, I had to host the Halloween festivities in the office (- occupational hazard!). Anyway, I never expected that it could be such a big deal but I decided to just look at it in the eyes of a 5-year old just so I'll be able to appreciate the occasion better and savor the experience...and I'm glad I did! =) The office was transformed into each floor's interpretation of the announced theme which was WITCHCRAFT/BLACK MAGIC overnight.
It was actually a treat watching our employees switch on their creativity and do crafts, paint, and do various artwork for the event.

Actually, what caught my attention was seeing the kids all dressed up for trick-or-treating! There were around 140 kids who came to the office, all dressed up and ready to fill their bags with expected goodies from the staff and oh! what a site they all were!



Not to be outdone, our staff also came in character!



I was totally exhausted at the end of the day that I found myself saying that this will be the last Halloween celebration this agency will ever have (-such a halloween scrooge!)! But then again, when I remember the faces of the kids (- how much I would love to pinch their cheeks as they looked so cute in their costumes!), when I think of how our staff enjoyed taking the time-off from their routinary jobs to just be kids again, I realize that I don't have the heart to take this time away from them =) It was truly a fun and eye-opening experience! Until next year! =)

Thanks DAD

I woke up feeling tired and restless. I decided to start the day by having my personal time with my "Big Boss" and as I did, I anticipated what His message for me will be for today. I was led to read Hebrews 11 which was about faith. And if that was not enough, his words over mass today was also about faith - how narrow the road will be for those who will choose to follow and obey Him. How we are called to be firm and steadfast during trying times as He will stay true to His promise of never letting us go. I had so many foolish questions when I woke up as well as unexplained feelings of doubt, anxiety, weariness and agitation. Though a big part of me still celebrate each day that I overcame my daily trials, I can't seem to fully shake-off the fatigue that seems to have been building up for months now. So just like the stubborn child who ran out of ways to solve her seemingly complicated jigsaw puzzle, I ran to my "Dad", my ABBA FATHER. And like the ever doting father, He laughed and embraced me tightly while He made each piece fit. Until now, I am emotionally overwhelmed by today's experience that I need to express myself or else I will burst! From Hebrews 11, today's gospel and even to the song sung at mass earlier, my Dad was talking to me. His message was simple but says everything: BE STILL.

I know this will not be the end of these episodes...I'm stubborn, remember? But it is just so comforting to know that when it does happen, I can always look up and envision that familiar smile...feel that comforting warmth in my heart then I will just know. I know that all my questions are answered...all my concerns are taken cared of.

A haunting memory...

Have you ever made the painful decision of turning your back on someone you love because you know that it's the best you can do for that person? I did, not too long ago. Looking back, I try to recall what made this person special. Well, he was like me in some respects. We tend to wear our hearts on our sleeve. He loves the people around him and cares for them JUST BECAUSE he does. Never mind if he'll get "pogi" points for it but I vividly remember how he extends an extra mile for anyone...regardless. He loves God too...hangs on to Him for dear life and though he's fully aware of his transgressions, goes running back to Him in sincere repentance and serves Him like there's no tomorrow. Yes, that was my special guy...

For a brief period I guess I made his day...(at least) as much as he made mine. It is truly a blessing to be able to share and fully express your love as if there will be no tomorrow that will come. It is a special treat to wake up to a familiar voice that encourages you to embrace a new day. But sometimes, such an experience is not meant to last long...especially when everything was not in accordance to His will for us. So, I had to let go. It was something we knew, will happen but how interesting it is that awareness to what is and what will happen still made it difficult for us to let go and move on. Well, at least for me it was and continues to be so. Imagine how much you try to remain cool and collected when deep down you still hurt. Hurt because as much as you still feel the love, you know that you need to let him be...because everything should not happen at your own terms or by your own choosing. It's His. It's God's.

Realizations of an urban drifter

Yesterday marks a new chapter in my "independent urban-living" life. Ater much procrastination, I finally, packed my bags (-and boxes...and more bags and boxes) of 5 years' worth of living an independent, single life somewhere within the outskirts of Makati's CBD to move with 2 of my closest sisters in SOLV. It was very therapeutic while I was in the process of packing my stuff in boxes. I discovered old pictures, old notes, clothes that I haven't worn in a loooong time (-and I wonder if I'll ever wear them again), old journals recording previous thoughts...old rantings...simple joys...the list goes on and on. While looking at my closet, I thought of the many times I held a garage sale and yet I still have so much stuff that are not anymore of good use to me. Then this realization hits me: I AM ALMOST OUT OF CLOTHES AND SHOES TO WEAR! Seriously, as much as I made so many senseless shopping in my life, I have ended up to have almost an empty closet. I realized that all this time, I made a lot of thoughtless shopping decisions. I was either too safe which made my wardrobe (-and perhaps myself) boring or Which leads me to reflect on how I have been before going through my "SOL journey". I seemed like I was always adrift at sea - anything goes, careless, it was as if I was rebelling from myself for whatever reason. I basked in short-lived pleasures only to wake up and realize that all this time I have been leading an almost empty life. As soon as I almost want to quit and be stuck in one dark corner ranting a series of "if only's" I remind myself that what's good about this life is that you get to try again. You're always given the chance to get up and do things correctly this time. Of course you can't undo what has been done but what's more important is picking up the lesson that sad experience has given you and using that lesson to live a better life for yourself! As much as it is a commonly used expression, I don't believe that life can be empty. It will always be full - either you fill it up with successes, or fill it up with disappointments; either its filled with happiness or its wreaking of sorrow - either way, your life is full. YOU filled it up the way you wanted it to be filled. So at the end of the day, its really our choice. In the same manner as how do we want to fill our closet? Do we see a heap of black and gray's? - an explosion of bright colors? - or subdued earthy tones that may go well anytime and anywhere? Really, it's up to you. ;-)

The GREAT SOLV Garage Sale!

It was definitely an experience! Though this wasn't the first time I did a garage sale, this was my first garage sale with SOLV so to me, it's more special (naks!). Seriously, it really becomes different when you're doing it for a cause vs. doing it to earn money for yourself or just because you wanted to clean house. You tend to have to give more of yourself. Then you realize that you're under a state of grace when you do stuff without feeling you "have" to do it. It was an unexpectedly early start as people started crowding the SOLV office entrance as early as 8am (?) and no one but Ferdie was there to attend to them.
A few minutes later, Pangga arrived then when I did 5 minutes later, I couldn't see where both were as it was a major frenzy...close to pandemonium perhaps and both Pangga and Ferdie were just too busy to let me in on what was happening. But, a few minutes later we were able to catch our breaths, we got our composure back and we were more relaxed after that. At least, the early morning shock has subsided =) It was a great start as almost half of the goods were wiped out during the morning that we excitedly looked forward to lunch. This time, Ate Isa, Arnel and Ritchie already arrived to join the "organized" circus. As expected, things got crazier inside the SOLV office when 3 became 6! More selling gimmicks (c/o Ritchie) as new customers came in were a hit.
Returning customers were entertained while they were double-checking the boxes for more loot. Before we knew it, lunchtime has passed and we were just working on getting the leftovers sold. A good reason why Ritchie had to go ALL OUT with his comical and animated selling skills!
This proved to be so useful though as even the "fashion-challenged" items were sold.
The day ended with only 2 boxes-full of old clothes and 2 containers of old golf balls. The clothes will definitely go to the nearby parish but for the golf balls? I don't know...While we all smelled like wet puppies, we were still bursting with energy and excitedly capped the day with dinner at Luk Yuen (yum!).

Truly a productive day for everyone, our mission satisfactorily accomplished, and our jaws quite sore with all the laughter that filled the day! Truly a joyful experience!

Just feeling "nooney"

Many things to do yet so little time....so why am i still restless? I guess I'm simply LAZY to do what I need to do and I am sooooo aching to just sleep.....Zzzzzzz... I just feel like being on "auto-pilot" lately that it's just now that I'm feeling the effects of being a "robot"...it's like my batteries are dying slowly. It's the last quarter of the year and I still have lots to deliver at work. I never thought its gonna be this hard to set-up a department that was not really taken seriously by most of the folks here. To think I always said in the many interviews I've been in that "i want to make a difference", "i want to create, set-up, design what-have-you's", etc. Lesson learned: BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU WISH FOR! Don't get me wrong, I like my job and I still consider it to be my most memorable Christmas gift last year. It's just that...I feel so tired lately. A lot of things are going on and a lot are about to happen that can I just put everything on-hold for 1 minute for me to chill? I have yet to sit down and write the things I need to do. I feel like a sealed bottle adrift at sea...

Breathe.....stretch....and off to work again...=)

Welcome the new blogger!

I've been meaning to start a new blog account for some time now as I'm not so happy with the other one (-or other 2?)...It's like trying to find the perfect shoe...it has to be a perfect fit! Well, I hope the third time is the charm...Writing has always been an outlet eversince I could remember. But somewhere in my youth I just stopped cold turkey for whatever reason. Now, I very much welcome this "reunion" with my original sanctuary (-yes, it has been writing and not music or singing!) But I noticed I have been writing only about the sad stuff. I feel this is not enough...it's not good. Life should be celebrated! We should see the good along with the bad and accept it. Give our take and move on....reflect and learn...die and live again...

In my future entries, I hope I will be able to really celebrate life through writing...share my thoughts...my stories...as well as the story behind each story...and so it begins...